I Thought I'd Never See You Again
by GeorgieDanosaur
Summary: Phil knew Dan for one day in year 10, and never saw him again. But he never forgot him. Rated T for language! Includes self harm and depression. Kickthefire and Phan
1. Chapter 1

Pain. Overtaking my body, shooting up my arm, making me feel free. Tears. Streaming down my face, dripping on the floor, making me feel weak. Water. Shooting forcefully out of the head of the shower, tip-tapping on the wall of the bathroom, covering up the sound of my crying. I step in the shower, hissing in pain at the heat on my arm. Blood drips down my arm and onto the floor of the shower, the red mixing with the clear and being washed away. I hear a smash from somewhere outside the bathroom, and I jump. My feet slip underneath me and I tumble to the floor of the shower, hitting my head on the way down. I yell something along the lines of "holy fuck that hurts" but nobody comes rushing in to see if I'm okay. They don't care. My mum and step-dad are too busy ripping each other to shreds to care about their faggot of a son. My older brother is too busy playing on his Xbox and hating me to care. I feel around the area that I hit and sure enough, there's a lump. I sigh and pour a generous amount of shampoo onto my hand, and lather it into my hair. Then I wash it all out, turn the shower off, step out, dry off and get changed into my school uniform, making sure to take extra care when I put my shirt and jumper on. Then I go into my room to dry and straighten my hair. I grab a cereal bar from the cupboard and head into the brisk English air. It's just one of those days where it's so warm, but it's also really cold. I hate summer. My feet scuff along the pavement, little bits of black flaking from the end of my shoe. I trace the edges of then walls that I go past, admiring all the pretty patterns carved into the bricks. My mind begins to wander to other things. When I have my own house, who will I live with? Will I be married? Will I be an actor, like I always hoped? Or am I damned to a life of office working until I'm 65, with no kids and a ton of dogs or snakes or something? Nobody likes me now, why will it be any different after school has finally finished?

I reach the school in record time and make my way to form room. Luckily, only my tutor is in there.  
"Good morning, Daniel. How was your weekend?"  
"Good!" I lie. My weekends are always nothing better than crap. I take my seat in the isolated corner of the room and pull out my battered copy of The Hunger Games. I feel I can somewhat relate to Katniss, I mean in the sense that I prefer spending time alone than to be with anyone. Be it because I prefer it genuinely or because nobody actually wants to hang out with me is not important. And I was with my sister as Katniss is with Prim, before she moved away with our dad.  
People start to file into the room in little groups, giggly teenage girls, talking about that 'heartthrob' that starred in that movie that one time. Rambunctious boys, discussing who took the largest dump on Saturday and who has or hasn't slept with Stacey at least once. The nerds, clutching their homework folders close to them out of fear that someone will hit it on the floor. Then somebody, a boy that I don't recognise, closely followed by the head teacher. I look up from my book to see his dark fringe, almost identical to mine but on the opposite side. His slender figure, with his hands on top of each other, thumbs twitching out of nervousness. His eyes meet mine for a brief second and oh- they are the most beautiful blue! He looks away quickly, scanning the room, focusing on the groups of people. I look down at my book quickly, hoping that he won't notice the pink that I can feel flush across my cheeks. I concentrate on the words, letting myself fall into the world of the arena, before I hear "oi, faggot" from the other end of the classroom. I flinch and look up to see PJ, the class bully, staring at me with venom in his eyes.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Oh me?" I pick up my book so he can see "this thing? It's called a book, you may have heard of one, it's what people used to entertain themselves before porn was invented, but I'm sure you wouldn't have heard of them, they're for smart people, wanker" I put my middle finger up any the group of boys as they sat there, gawking at me.  
"Don't stare, it's rude" I say, and then look back at my book. I look up again when I heard my name being mentioned from the far end of the classroom. I see my tutor point at me, and then the new boy nods and walks towards me. When he reaches my table, he carefully places his folder on the table, then flings his bag on the floor and slides in the seat beside me.  
"Hi!" He smiles cheerfully, and I reply with a quick huff and a nod.  
"I'm Phil! I just moved to Reading, and obviously I'm new here!" He says with a slight northern accent.  
"I'm Dan" I grunt.  
"Do you think you could show me round the school a bit? Obviously I have no clue what I'm doing!" This time I properly look at him.  
"Look, I'm going to be straight with you, people here don't like me. And if you want to fit in here, and want people to be nice to you, I suggest you do the same, otherwise you'll be that one weirdo that hangs out with the lonely faggot boy, and that's not something I can recommend. So just ignore me, everyone else does it" he blinks his big eyes, obviously hurt, and looks away.  
"Finally found yourself another fag to hang out with?" PJ shouts at me.  
"Well no, unless you decided you wanted to do something this weekend?" I shoot back, earning a quick chuckle from Phil next to me.  
"Boys!" Miss Johnson yells at us. I scoff. She sighs at me and looks back at her laptop.  
"Oi, new guy! You're not friends with this fag are you?" He says, walking towards our table.  
"Well I don't-"  
"Good! Come sit with us, we'll help you get settled here!" I look up and see him fidgeting.  
"I- no I'm good"  
"C'mon!"  
"No, I'm fine here" PJ scoffs  
"Whatever" he walks away, back to his table, and just when I think I can finally read my book, one of the girls on the table in front of me spins her chair round and sits opposite Phil. I grumble and pull out my phone, pretending to text.  
"Hi, I'm Stacey! And you are?" She says softly, obviously flirting.  
"Hi, I'm Phil" he replies flatly. She's the prettiest girl in the school, and has slept with half of the population of England, and I'm sure if I was that way inclined, I would fancy the hell out of her like most of the boys here.  
"So, you're new here, do you need a tour guide?" I look up to see her leaning towards him, blinking her eyelashes.  
"Listen, I'm sure you're lovely, but if you're trying to do what I think you're trying to do then you should know that I'm gay, therefore I do not want your legs wrapped around my head like I'm sure you've done to most of the boys in this class. That is of course, providing you aren't hiding a dick under that skirt of yours" she flinches back as soon as he says the word gay, and I immediately look up. She then gives him an evil look and turns her chair round.  
"That was a bad idea. They're all a bunch of prejudice twats" He studies me for a second before saying "that's stupid"  
"Yeah, well they're stupid" I shrug  
"That's it? That's all you have to say about it?"  
"Well, what do you expect me to do? You've been here five minutes, Phil. I've been here four years. I think I may know a little more about the school than you, okay? So just drop it so I can go back to reading my book" I pick my book back up and just as I'm about to read again, I hear him sniff.  
"Look, I'm sorry" I apologise, putting one hand on his arm. He flinches slightly, the exact same way I've done many a time.  
"You okay?" I ask, concerned.  
"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine, just, you know, someone walking over my grave!" He chuckles nervously.  
"No. No I don't believe you. I know that flinch, I know it all too well" he shrinks into his seat, the confident happy persona morphing into a scared little boy.  
"Honestly- it's nothing"  
"If it's nothing then you won't mind taking your jumper off?" His eyes widen, fear striking.  
"But- it's cold in here"  
"It's the middle of summer and it's very warm in here so don't give me that"  
"I'll take mine off if you take yours off" this time it's my turn to be scared.  
"It's cold in here!" I complain  
"It's the middle of summer" he replies, mocking my exact tone.  
"Oh I see how it is" he continues to mock me, copying my every movement.  
"Seriously though, you should probably stop talking to- STOP!" His hands drop into his lap.  
"You shouldn't talk to me. Unless you want to be bullied to shit" his eyes drop into his lap and he spins around to face the front.  
"I'm sorr-" I start.  
"You know what? Save it. I didn't have any friends in my old school, and why? Because I was outcasted for being gay. I'm not ashamed of it, it's what sets me aside from half the twats that live in England, but clearly you've got an issue with it so don't bother pretending you're sorry, because you're really not" I sit there in stunned silence for a couple of seconds before sighing. If he only knew. The bell sounded, indicating for us to go to first lesson.  
"Do you know where Miss Powell's classroom is?" Phil asked quietly.  
"Yeah, I've got her now so just follow me" he nods and follows me to the maths classroom. I take my seat on the only empty table at the back of the classroom, much like I did in tutor. Miss Powell walks in with an armful of yellow maths books.  
"You must be Phil" she says cheerfully.  
"The very same!" He replies.  
"Well I think the only free seat is the one at the back next to Dan. He's a lovely gentleman, I'm sure you'll get along splendidly!" He chuckles  
"Mhm, I'm sure we will" he drags his feet over to the empty seat next to me and does exactly as he did in form, places his folder down and flings his bag on the floor.  
"Do you have a pen I can borrow?" He asks me.  
"Sure" I pull one out and hand it to him. He thanks me and starts to tap on the table. Students begin to file in and soon enough the classroom is full. Our books get handed out, mine thrown at my head by someone that I never bothered to learn the name of, followed by a "fag" and a laugh. Phil looks at me sadly but I look away.

The lesson ends and I show Phil to English, which ends up being exactly the same as maths but with less algebra and more Shakespeare. What I mean is, Phil had to sit by me, I got the piss taken out of me and Phil and I once again sat in awkward silence for an hour. Then time for break.  
I rush out of the classroom and into the library, pulling out my book once more.

After three more lessons of boringness and lunchtime, it's time to finally go home, where I can continue to be ignored by my family. I rush out of school and down the path, pulling out my phone when I hear the familiar, annoying 'Marimba' ringtone.  
"Hello?" I say down the phone  
"Dan, you stupid fag, get your ass back home now or you're grounded for the rest of the time you're at school"  
"Mum, I've only just got out of school, I'll be home in ten minutes!"  
"Don't you backchat me, you stupid little cunt!"  
"Mum- I'm sorry-"  
"Just fucking get home" then the line goes dead. A tear rolls down my cheek and onto my hand. Why does life have to be like this?

I get home in 6 minutes and am greeted by the smell of alcohol, fast food and cigarette smoke.  
"About fucking time"  
"Why did you need me home so quickly?"  
"I found this in your bathroom" she pulls a shiny object from her pocket. I gasp.  
"So not only are you a faggot, you're an emo faggot. I've been nothing but hospitable, I gave you a house, a phone, food and drink, everything you could need, and this is how you repay me?"  
"You deprived me if one thing I really needed"  
"What"  
"Love" she stares down at me for a couple of seconds.  
"Get out. Go on, go. I don't want you in this house, go and live with your fucking dad, you ungrateful little shit!" She raises her hand and I feel the impact on my face. Without saying a word, I turn and run up to my bedroom. Usually, parents say this but don't mean it, but we both know she's not. She's been threatening to kick me out for a while, so I know she's being dead serious. My brother is waiting at the top of the stairs.  
"Come to laugh at me? Cheer that you are finally rid of your brother?" He shakes his head sadly.  
"No, I just- I'm sorry, Dan. It's not right that she should treat you like that, whilst she treats me like she should treat a son. I don't know why she does it, but it's not right"  
"Why do you care?"  
"Come here" he beckons me into his room. I follow him.  
"Sit down" I sit on his bed. He rummages about in his drawer and pulls out a box.  
"I was going to save this for when I went back to university, but I think you need it more" he hands me the box and I open it.  
"No, Adrian I can't take this!" I try to hand it back, but he pushes it away  
"I've got a job, I can get more, you need it"  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"You're my little brother! I don't want you on the streets like a peasant or whatever. Use it to get to dad's house, or something. Just take it!" I smile.  
"Thank you so much, Adrian, this means a lot. Are you sure you won't need it?" He shakes his head  
"I love you, lil bro! I know is don't act like it sometimes, but I really do!" I place the box on the bed and stand up.  
"Thank you" I hug him.  
"Now please, hurry, you know what mums like! Be careful, I'll miss you!" His face looks saddened and a can see the makings of a tear in his brown eyes, but I exit the room without pointing it out. I run into my room and push some compulsory items in a bag, like my laptop, some clothes, chargers, and the money Adrian gave me. I count it up, nearly three thousand pounds! I can't believe he gave this to me! I push some other things into the bag, filling it as much as I can, and fling it over my shoulder. I run down the stairs and into the living room.  
"You sure you want me to go?" I ask. Mum scoffs.  
"Please. I would like nothing more. You're just an ungrateful little shit and I wish you'd never been born. I wish I'd stopped at Adrian. He's a lovely lad, I wish you were more like him"  
"Well, bye"  
"Goodbye, and good fucking riddance" and I leave her like that, smoking her cigarette, with a vodka bottle in her hand, and I leave the house. And with any luck, I won't ever go back.

**so good news, I'm not dead! I just took a break for a while just to think about stuff, but I'm back and posting again!**

**r&r for love**

**love always **

**~Georgie'xo~**


	2. Chapter 2

*Phil POV*  
I'm on another one of my internet searches. Typing one name into google frantically, trying to find one single person. I knew him for one day, four years ago, and he was a complete douche, but for some reason his memory just resided in my head for the duration of the time from that day until now. Many a day I have spent, putting his name into google, Facebook, twitter, trying to find him. But no such luck. I scroll down and down until I see something. A twitter account.  
"Dan Howell - Danisnotonfire"  
This could be it.  
I click it...  
It's him.  
It's Dan.  
Brown hair, longer on one side. Chocolatey eyes.  
Thin, pink lips curved into a half smile. He hasn't changed in four years. I've found him. I've found him. Finally.  
I smile slowly to myself.  
Finally.  
I click on his profile one more time to bring up his statistics. Eleven thousand followers! There's no way he'll see my tweet if I tweet him. His bio has a link to a YouTube channel. I click that too and it brings up another tab with a YouTube channel. There are 15 videos, all with Dan face on the thumbnail. A box indicates that he has twenty thousand subscribers!  
I click one and his face pops up, obviously filmed on a webcam in a brown bedroom.  
"Hi! My name is Dan, nice to meet you, and this is my first proper video I guess" he says in his not-quite-posh-but-posher-than-most accent. I feel myself smiling as he talks about wanting to start a YouTube channel but something is picking at me. He still doesn't seem happy. He seems like the shy, sad boy I met that day in year eleven. That makes me sad. I watch three or four more until a name of one catches my eye.  
"My suckish life" I click it, and suddenly he goes from 'still not happy but happy enough to hide it' to 'I'm very depressed' and that alone is enough to make me sad. Then he starts talking.  
"Well, hi. Okay, so it's no secret to you guys that I am gay. However, I want to go into that in a bit more depth today. Okay, so as you know, I left school four years ago, but something I haven't told you is that I haven't lived where I live now my whole life. Until I was sixteen, I lived in Wokingham. You see, when I was ten, my mum and dad split up. My dad took my sister and moved here, and my mum stayed in Wokingham. At this point in time, my mum was a genuine, lovely, sweet person, and I wanted to live with her. But then she got a new boyfriend when I was twelve, and that's when it all changed. She became aggressive, she started to drink, she fought with him, yet for some reason, they still married when I was thirteen. And then she started hitting me, abusing me both verbally and physically, and spent most of her free time drinking. Not only that, but when I was eleven all of my friends kind of drifted away, nobody wanted to talk to me. I became depressed, and began to self harm. And even though I don't regret that, because it made me into the person I am today, I do regret one thing. So, one day, in year eleven, a boy came into our class" my ears prick up.  
"Immediately, I wanted to talk to him. He was very good looking, with black hair, a long fringe similar to mine and his eyes were the bluest I've ever seen, and he was genuinely lovely. I wanted nothing more than to befriend him, but I didn't. Instead, I pushed him away, telling him he's better off without talking to me, being friends with other people, and that's what I regret. But I couldn't put it right, because the same night that happened, my mum kicked me out. That's why I now live here" he looks like he's on the edge of tears, and honestly, I am too.  
"So Phil Lester, it's not likely that you'll see this, but if you do, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pushing you away, and I wish I could go back and undo that day. I'm sorry" then the screen goes dark. I don't make an effort to move though. Instead, I stare at the screen, blinking back tears. I remember that day so well, but I didn't think he would. I have to  
somehow get in contact with him. I will tweet him, he may not see it but I need to at least try. I click off the tab for YouTube and go back onto twitter. He tweeted two minutes ago  
"Hope you all liked my new video! :)" I tap a quick tweet  
"Dan, you probably won't see this, but I saw your video. It's me, it's Phil! I hope you do see this, I would love to talk to you"  
And then I wait  
and wait  
And wait  
Nothing. No reply. My tweet was lost in an ocean of fangirls. Eventually I give up waiting and go into the kitchen. And surprise surprise, there's no food. Time to pop to Tesco. I sigh and shrug my coat on. I just wish he would have seen my tweet. I open the door and go down into the lift. The brisk, Manchester air caresses my face. I moved out of Wokingham to go to university here, back home. This is where I belong.

The walk to Tesco is a boring, uneventful one, but luckily I won't have far to go. I go in and grab a basket, and put the basics in it. Bread, milk, butter, ham, crisps and chocolate. I stick it all on the conveyer belt and pay, and just as I leave the shop, I hear a deep voice behind me.  
"Phil? Phil Lester?" I turn around so suddenly that the milk flies straight out and explodes on the floor I'm front of me.  
"Shit" I curse before looking up and seeing the face that belongs to the face. Immediately, I gasp.  
"Dan? Oh my God! What are you-" but I can't finish. He leans down and picks up the empty milk bottle from the floor.  
"Sorry about that. I'll get you a new one"  
"Don't worry. It's just such a shock to see you! What's it been, four years?" He nods  
"And being that I only knew you for one day, you really haven't changed!"  
"Neither have you" I mumble quietly, too shy to say much else.  
"Oh my God, I just can't believe you're here! This is awesome!"  
"I know" he shakes his head at me  
"In year eleven, you had no problem chatting away, what happened?"  
"Yeah, and in year eleven, you had no problem pushing me away like a complete douche, and now you come out with this apology? What happened?" I yell at him.  
"I didn't apolo-" he gasps, and I clap my hand over my mouth.  
"You- uh- how did you- you know- find it"  
"I don't know," I lie, "I just came across it" he looks down at his feet.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I just- honestly, I was trying to f-" he interrupts me.  
"Sorry, this is my ride. Can we give you a lift anywhere?" I shake my head politely.  
"Oh come on, I insist!"  
"Well, I only live round the corner-"  
"So do we, so it won't be an issue. Come on" I nod, and follow him to a blue Nissan that's just pulled up on the corner. He puts his four bags in the boot, and grabs mine to do the same.  
"Don't forget which ones are yours!" I smile at him, and nod. Then, I open the back door and slide in.  
"Peej, this is Phil. I said we could give him a lift. Hope that's alright!" The curly haired boy in the drivers seat nods.  
"If course! Hi Phil, I'm PJ! I'm Dan's boyfriend"  
"Nice to meet you, PJ" i say politely as he pulls away. I can't help but be slightly disappointed that he has a boyfriend, but there's not much I can do about that.

I sit awkwardly in the back, as they converse, until we reach my block of flats, which happens to be just up the road from PJ's house.  
"Thanks for driving me"  
"Hold on, Phil, I'll help you with your bags" he gets out the front seat, and I get out the back. The boot opens and he hands me a couple of bags.  
"I think these are yours. But I'll give you my number, give me a ring if you find out one of them isn't" he takes out a pen and piece of paper, and scribbles a number on a piece of paper. He hands it to me and I smile at him.  
"Thanks, Dan. I'll see you around" I wave and open the main door to my block of flats. I watch the car drive away, and I sigh. I can't believe it. Dan. Frigging. Howell. I just met him and got his number. I never thought this would happen in a million years.

I open my flat, and place the bags on the side, checking through them until I realise that one of them is Dans. I smile at the thought of being able to see him again, and punch his number in to my phone, and press call. He answers almost straight away.  
"Hello?" He says quietly.  
"Dan? It's Phil, I've got one of your bags!"  
"Oh- sorry! I'll come and-"  
"Dan! who are you talking to?" I hear PJ's voice yell through the phone  
"It's- it's nobody"  
"Yeah sure it is. One of your other boyfriends?"  
"No! It's-" and then I hear it. An ear shattering slap an a cry of pain from Dan, before the line goes dead.

**Holy crap I updated! Sorry- I was having terrible writers block from this story! But I'm back and carrying on! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, don't forget to review and follow and favourite and share with your friends and stuff! yeah. Thanks! :D**

**love always**

**~Georgie'xo~**


	3. Chapter 3

*Dan POV*  
I cry in pain as the hand collides with my face and the phone shatters on the floor.  
"Who the fuck were you talking to?" PJ yells, his face close to mine, green eyes piercing mine so much so that I can feel them boring through my brain and into the back of my skull. I swallow and lean away.  
"It was- Phil- he"  
"Phil?! PHIL?! You already won't stop talking about him, now you're seeing him behind my back?!" I shake my head vigorously.  
"No! He had one of our-" he stops me.  
"He's been stealing from us?!" His fist lunges towards my face but I duck and he punches the wall behind me. He hisses in pain and stares at me, venom in his eyes. I try to run away but he puts his arm on the wall so I can't move.  
"PJ, please" I choke out. He scoffs.  
"Is that what you said before fucking Phil?" I feel tears dripping down my cheeks.  
"No!" His fist raises, but this time it collides with my face, and I fall to the ground.  
"Filth, that's what you are" he spits, as he kicks me in the stomach.  
"Filthy cheat" he puts his foot on my hand and leans. He continues to kick and spit words at me, but it's all becoming a blur. A brief flashback to my adolescence. Everything that's being done, all the words being said, already been said before. I open my eye that isn't swollen shut, and see his face. Disgust. I close my eyes, and open them again, and suddenly I'm a teenager again, looking up at my mother, and her disgust at me. How much she hated me, she wanted me to die. Suddenly, it stops.  
"Get up" he yells. I oblige, out of fear that he would kick me again.  
"That's what you get for being a cheating prick" I nod, he points away.  
"Get out of my sight" I say nothing, I just scuttle into the bedroom, grabbing a duffle bag from the bottom of my wardrobe. I stuff some necessities in it, clothes, laptop, hair straighteners etc and exit the bedroom.  
"Where do you think you're going?" He asks sharply.  
"I don't think this is working. Be honest? Do you really think this is working?" I look him dead in the eyes, and they begin to water.  
"I'm sorry, Dan. You're right? This isn't working is it? It's all my fault, I'm so sorry! Please don't leave. I'll be better, I promise!" He begins to cry into his hands, sobbing and sobbing.  
"PJ, I have to" i sit next to him on the sofa, and put my arm round him.  
"Please don't. I'll be a better boyfriend. I promise. I love you, if you leave me, my life would suck. You're the best thing that's ever happened, please. Don't leave" I sigh slowly. I need to leave, I can't handle the beating. But he looks so small, so broken, so upset. I need to stay, for him. I love him, regardless.  
"Okay" I say. He looks up at me, tear tracks on his cheek.  
"so you'll stay?" I nod. He reaches round my neck, and pull our faces together, connecting our lips. I kiss back, remembering it like the first time. It reminded me of why I love him.  
"I'm sorry, about everything. I love you" he whispers in my ear as we hug.  
"I love you too, Peej"

**bit of a short one, but my good friend NeverLandNat said it would be a good idea to do a chapter from Dans point of view so here it is!**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Review, follow and share and stuff! Yeah! **

**Love always,**

**~Georgie'xo~**


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